I was outnumbered and thereby bamboozled by a super-majority including my wife, sister and two cousins that an 8-day cruise down the Rhein from Basel to Rotterdam and back was just the thing to do. Easy, luxurious, entertaining and expensive. Not one to rock the boat – no pun intended – I agreed and paid in full, up front. 

We were picked up by a tour bus handled by our jovial and expert driver George at the Zürich Airport and promptly delivered dockside in Basel. As I suspected, the average age of the cruisers was somewhere between the last supper and the grave. I reluctantly followed the slow procession down the gang plank, just in time for our first cocktail served in the forward lounge.

We all took possession of our cabins, ours being just below water level while everybody else had opted for the French balconies on the deck above the water. Being chastised for being cheap I inquired about an upgrade which was going to be 300 euros, per person.  ‘That’s a lot of beers and cocktails,’ I protested and ‘since we’re only in the cabins to sleep, I’m happy to be in steerage.’ I won that argument.

The boat, simply named The Excellence Baroness was a flat-bottomed river boat, 110m long, 11m wide with three decks: below – ours and crew – center and upper, 75 rooms for the 130 passengers and 40 crew. Not too bad, I thought, not like those obscenely gargantuan mega-super-ships with 5000 passengers. Our simple barge featured a dining room, a lounge with a good-sized bar and a modest Thai restaurant at the stern, a workout room with 2 machines, a sauna for 2 and a top-deck hot-tub for max. 4 people but it was never hot. Modest by cruising standards. I scouted the whole boat in about ten minutes. 

We embarked on our cruise down the Rhein while being served our first 5-course gourmet dinner by Achmed from Luxor, a gentle, friendly soul with impeccable manners and an easy laugh. He was going to be our server for the whole trip and was always ready to trade quips and laughs with us. We all liked him and queried him about his engagement on The Baroness. ‘Three weeks off every four months, not always on the same ship; home for the winter months and back again, hopefully next year.’ Being employed by a Swiss company we all hoped he was being paid according to Swiss standards but without any perks, pensions or other benefits since he and his fellow crew members were just temporary, foreign workers. It seemed that most of the serving staff was from Egypt and probably related. ‘And what do you do after your shift ends?’ I asked him. 

‘I call my mother.’

‘Every day?’

‘Every day.’

We were welcomed daily, every morning, by Sami our travel organizer, whose smooth, buttery voice floated from the speaker system. Sami was the epitome of a friendly, approachable and always available host. He was so constantly pleasant that it was almost whacky. Never a curt word or a negative phrase, nary a frown, never a disagreement. We started to imitate his mannerism for comic relief and I’m sure he was aware of our well-meant mockery. Sami also entertained us with a nightly pre-dinner ‘board-talk’ about the next day’s activity and he was never boring or repetitive and obviously enjoyed his role and job, as he emphasised many times.  He also escorted us every day and made sure everybody was happy and accounted for. Three buses followed the boat down the river to be at the ready every time we docked.

Our first stop was Strasbourg, on the French side. It’s the seat of the European Court of Human Rights, a modern, rounded steel and glass structure, in stark contrast to the quaint old French downtown with its steep gabled Tudor style homes along its canals. We took a morning canal tour and were back on the Baroness for lunch. Time to lounge and play some cards while enjoying the ever-changing views floating by on either side and before we could take a senior’s nap it was time for afternoon cocktails. Again.

On the second or third morning we woke up next to a mossy concrete wall, about a foot from our window just above the water line. We were at the bottom of a lock. We had to pass through about 15 locks, most of them close to Basel and just wide enough for two boats our size. 

As it turned out, all boats we encountered going up and down the Rhein were about our size. Long, narrow and shallow. I was amazed by the amount of traffic on the old river, mostly commercial but also quite a few cruise boats like ours. It seems that the Rhein is a major waterway for transporting everything from liquids like oil, gas and chemicals, scrap metal, new cars, lumber, containers, tourists and everything in-between. A constant flow of boats. There is a 30km stretch between Duisburg and Düsseldorf that is a never-ending expanse of heavy industry. From a massive nuke cooling tower to Thyssen and Krupp coal and steel plants, mostly shut down and idle to chemical and oil refineries alongside cement and manufacturing plants, all interspersed by massive smoke stacks and chimneys, hundreds of feet high lording over this desolate and mechanized landscape along old man Rhein. 

Every day on the way down and back up there was an excursion into the cities along the river on the itinerary. Strasbourg, Cologne, Amsterdam and Rotterdam on the way down and Düsseldorf, Duisburg and Rüdesheim on the way back. 

My favorite stop was Amsterdam. We did the obligatory canal boat tour in the morning then opted to stay in the city for the rest of the day. It’s a fascinating city of 900 islands and 1400 bridges, linking the circular canals. Picturesque five or six storied, narrow and gabled buildings with a hook and chain-fall at every gable line the murky canals which are bordered by bike path on both sides. These paths were built for the women and children pulling the barges up and down the canals back in the medieval days of human misery. Bikes are everywhere. There are apparently 3 bicycles for every inhabitant of Amsterdam and Rotterdam and they are piled by the hundreds, wheel to wheel to wheel, in large clusters around schools, shopping districts and everywhere you look. We enjoyed a lunch of typical crêpes with a pint of Amstel and walked around the pedestrian shopping streets until it was time to rejoin the waiting bus which took us back to our floating hotel. 

Rotterdam today is a smorgasbord of architectural styles imposed on the city which was ruined and turned to rubble after the Luftwaffe bombed the crap out of it in 1940. There is no continuity or old-world charm as in Amsterdam but it is a modern, bustling city with plenty of fun buildings and neighbourhoods like the strange cube houses or apartments with upside down cathedral windows. We did a rooftop tour which meant going up to various roofs with elevators. Some had recreational gardens and restaurants on top, others offered panoramic vistas of the still growing modern city. 

On the return leg we stopped in Duisburg and our driver George bussed us to a closed Krupp Coal mine turned into a museum of sorts. It was a trip back in time to when miners started at age 12, worked 6 twelve hours shifts underground and got paid just enough to eat and sleep. It was the age of black lungs and the dawn of unions. Impressive and slightly depressing which we cured with a pint of Altbier in one of the many beer pubs in Düsseldorf.

We cruised by a 65km scenic stretch of castles and forts, most of them formerly used by tax and way-fare collectors, who for a fee would open up the forbidding chains across the river. Today these stark and photogenic edifices on top of cliffs and outcroppings are hotels and residences for the rich. There are plenty of myths and fables from the sweet songs of Loreley luring boats into the reefs to the malevolent Bishop who was devoured by a thousand mice; a just punishment for his evil and wicked deeds.   

Rüdesheim is probably the most famous wine village in the Rheingau. We explored the pretty town and signed up for a wine hike with a cable car ride to the top where the 30m statue of Germania lords over the land. We were all issued a pouch around our necks which held a glass for tastings. Our young guide carried a cooler pack of bottles from which she liberally filled our glasses at every turn on the informative walk back down through the vineyards. By the time we reached the village we were convinced that the local Riesling was the best in the world.  

Breakfast was always a banquet with everything you could think of as well as choices of eggs made every which way. Lunch consisted of a proper menu or choice of soups, salads, cheeses and cold cuts, dips and breads etc. Every dinner was a party with 5-course multiple choice menus, aperitives and wines from all over Europe with desserts to die for. Sadly, the alcoholic drinks were not included in our package but that didn’t stop us. After dinner we retired to the lounge to listen to Milan, our on-board musical entertainer who knew every song ever written and sang and played from 8 to midnight. Happy Hour, meaning half priced drinks, was every night until 9 o’clock and we never failed to take advantage of that, even though we hardly needed to drink more.

Cruises, and this one was no exception, are feeding and drinking extravaganzas; decadent and overwhelming. It’s hard to stick with cereal when the lavish buffet offers croissants, eggs benedict and gourmet cheeses. Nobody skipped lunch even though we were still full from breakfast and since pastries and snacks were available all day long, we often went for a piece of cake or a savory treat mid-afternoon. Did I feel guilty with all this over-abundance bordering on gluttony? Yes, because it was decadent and no, because I enjoy eating and drinking.

Eight days after embarking on this river trip The Baroness was docked back in Basel; our bus with George behind the wheel ready to take us back to Zürich Airport. I was glad that we could return to our lives and sad that all good things must come to an end. Would I do it again? Not sure but I might be overruled again and bamboozled into another river cruise.